Monsters

I was mad with Theresia's lover--and I can't promise I won't be again--but I go through moments of empathy. He is in love, going through his life. He does not owe me or anyone anything. He is doing the best thing for him, which is something I cannot deny. I've done everything in my power to do so as well.

Sometimes it works out. Others, rather not.

A vicious world greets us when we wake up every morning and when we go to our beds, the thoughts run through our brains, desperately trying to find a way to make it better. Some smoke, or drink, fuck like gods or schoolchildren, bury themselves in work, learn from professors... still more are privileged to find someone who is willing to wake up with them, to face that vicious world with sword in hand--side by side--to fight the real life nightmares.

When you wake up without for the first, second, thirty-eighth time, you feel abandoned. How dare they go off to fight someone else's monsters.

To risk the fortune cookie parallel--I suppose we're meant to fight our own demons. But to be fair, I was there with her monster for monster. Demon-fighting is not just left up to one party. I can't argue that perhaps I failed... perhaps the monsters were too strong.

Or too weak. Yes, maybe, I fought the wrinkled rat beasts away too fast. She had no reason to stay. Or this new guy has no monsters to speak of, knows when he should shut up, and fucks like a knight off to war.

Tonight--only tonight--I hold a truce, my successor. May you experience love, joy, and undignified pleasure at my expense. For it has nothing, truly, to do with me.

But someday, when you tire, when you burn, or take your leave to the battlefield you have long neglected, I ask this:

Break her heart.
Make her grieve.
Bring her new monsters.
Monsters I can deal with.

And do not love her as much as I do. When you leave, and you will leave, you will have saved yourself some demons as well.